Letter To Pets

For all the pet lovers among us, here is something that may come in handy. Enjoy!

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print
in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a  ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!  If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other
dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on
the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don’t. (2) If you don’t want their hair on  your
clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you,
they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short,
hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less,
(2) don’t ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4)
normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don’t
hang out with drug-using people; (7) don’t smoke or drink, (8) don’t
want to wear your clothes, (9) don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get
pregnant, you can sell their children.